Hi my name is Matthew and I’m going to tell you about my life, but I didn’t have a good life so lets start.When I was born my dad was shock because he was going to be a dad but also he was hearing my mum screaming inside the room.Suddenly my dad heard a baby scream and i was the baby that screamed and thats when i was born.
When I was 2 I went to Ecuador,the first time I went out of the country and I was scared and excited at the same time but all I did was sleep for the whole journey to Ecuador (but watch a lot of television and also taking my moms phone and playing games on it.When i was at the airport,in Ecuador for the first time ever meeting a lot of people in my family.
I was so excited to see where all my family lived in Ecuador.
When I was 4 I was going my antie’s house but suddenly I got bumped by a small van and we ran to my antie’s house and now have bump on the left side of my head.
October 30, 2015 at 3:52 pm
Matthew, this is a good start to your autobiography. You have chosen some interesting moments from your life to discuss and you are trying to keep your reader interested in what you have to say.
It does not yet unlock the autobiography achievement badge.
Targets:
1) I think it would help you to focus on one moment from your life, rather than jumping from moment to moment. You might find that by describing something in detail you will actually have more to say.
2) Your sentences are very long. Limit yourself to one connective per sentence and then use a full stop.
3) You have used an open bracket but haven’t then closed it again – you are missing a bracket?
February 21, 2016 at 10:20 pm
This is a far stronger draft, Matthew. However, you still have some work to do before unlocking the badge.
Targets:
1) Describe what Ecuador was like in detail. Could you talk about the weather or a particular place that you remember? Perhaps even a particular person.
2) Some of your sentences are too long. See if you can use a range of sentence lengths to make your writing more interesting.